The Weekly Boobometer (NYC)
-
Now that you mention it, we DO make famous!!
-
I can’t look at it I can’t look at it! I can’t look away I can’t look away! AAHHHHH!
Claw on the Nip!
-
-
Blue Footed Boobies that Talk
Original unedited image via ffffound.com.
-
The Weekly Boobometer (NYC): April 2-8, 2012
Boobometers 4 Lyf,
Cumulo & Nimbus
-
Booboscopes: March 2012*
*Horoscopes are pulled from actual horoscopes under each sign on Horoscope.com and then modified appropriately to apply to boobs. Some are completely fabricated.
ARIES
Two planets near the cups of your bra, Mercury and Uranus, will serve to heighten intuitive awareness, making you psychic enough that others will be impressed, but not too psychic that it seems like you’ve hacked their emails and read all their stuff. Venus is closer to you this month, bringing out your soft and gentle side, other boobs will marvel at how laid-back you are. Jupiter in your money sector might bring new opportunities, be careful not to do anything you’ll regret later. Be weary of camera phones (almost all phones are camera phones now).
TAURUS
Jupiter has been bringing positive energy and expansion, but be careful not to overflow. Watch your calorie intake and don’t go overboard with alcohol. Don’t make any firm decisions as you’ll immediately be exposed. There might be some developments in your love life with Mars in your romance sector, be cautious and take things slowly. Observe other boobs and how they interact, learn from them, become them. Be yourself.
GEMINI
You might have to do damage control if there are some “questionable” things in your past (you know what you did). Now is the time for reflection and not action in these matters. A Full Moon in Virgo might be problematic with your owner or other boobs. They might push your buttons, hard, often, and not in a good way. Although you have very little control over them, make an effort to be responsible and accountable for your actions. Live up to promises and be willing to pull your own weight.
CANCER
With the Sun, Mercury, and Neptune moving through Pisces this month, you’ll be hypersensitive and intuitive. Use these qualities when communicating and you’ll be remembered fondly. To be clear, you should be hypersensitive to them, not let them know how hypersensitive you are. That will surely backfire. You might have sudden insights about others and feel the urge to tell them; do it, they’ll agree that you always have a good point or two.
LEO
The New Moon in Aries will bring the urge to travel more, show yourself off so you can enjoy the scenery. During the Full Moon in Virgo, you might have an uncomfortable situation regarding your outfit. Past disorganization might create problems for you as your owner struggles to find a suitable bra. If your travels guide you into the woods, don’t forget the bug spray. Nobody wants to see 57 tiny nipples. If your travels bring you to the ocean, look out for things in the water resembling floating balloons. Jellyfish sting and people can’t pee up, remember that.
VIRGO
Mars will be retrograde all month, causing you to feel like you’re in a rut, hence the word “retro”, which means “backwards”, in case you weren’t sure. This is temporary, but it will force you to rethink your priorities. The planetary energy makes this a good time for contemplation rather than action, good thing you’re already in a rut. If you feel the urge to pop out, don’t—maintain the rut, own the rut, be the rut. Sleep on decisions rather than letting them sleep on you. If you feel the same tomorrow, go for it. If you don’t, be glad you read this beforehand; you’re welcome. If you’re in the middle of a conflict, although you’re technically relegated to one side, try not to take sides. Ruts don’t have opinions; neither do boobs that are in them.
LIBRA
Mercury and Uranus will be in Aries this month, bringing sudden changes and insights regarding your relationships. Beware of emotional roller coasters and, even worse, regular ones. Influence added to the energy of a New Moon in Aries will ensure that you’ll be independent and need a lot of freedom, though you won’t be able to physically get it, you can escape in your mind. When conflict arises, don’t hesitate to be firm and stand up for yourself. You’ll be prone to self-examination during the month, keep an eye out for anything unusual.
SCORPIO
This would be a great time to work on your self-image. Unfortunately, your love life might be confusing and the actions of others unclear, which might make it harder to do. Jupiter is in Taurus all month which will not only make all of your interpersonal relations easier but will also negate all of the things that were just mentioned; use the planets’ alignment to your advantage and shift the weight off of yourself and into someone else’s caring hands. This new support will feel comforting and long overdue.
SAGITTARIUS
Constant change will keep your nips on point this month, but you like variety. You’ll be seeing your cups as half full, especially with romantic matters. You might meet a new love or get to try new things with the one you already have. You’ll have the desire to make changes and take things to the next level—second base just got more interesting.
CAPRICORN
You’ll be inspired to try new things as Mercury, Venus, and Uranus travel through Aries. You’re known to always be calculating and organized; suddenly this feels boring to you. Your feelings are correct; the other boobs are much more fun than you are. This month, don’t be afraid to let loose. Pretend you have hair, and that said hair is blonde. Skip a bra for a day. Do like George Costanza and do the opposite of what you normally would do. You’ll see that hanging outside of your comfort zone is liberating to say the least.
AQUARIUS
Jupiter and Venus moving through Taurus will bring power struggles with gravity, and problems could get blown out of proportion. You’ll definitely need to be diplomatic when engaging in conversations with the other boob. The gravitational pull will make you irritable and argumentative; when this happens remember that, although you are on opposite sides, you’re still on the same team. The best team.
PISCES
The Sun, Mercury, and Neptune will all be an influence when moving about this month. Feel your power and natural abilities; you are strong, firm and perky—with just enough cushion. Slow-moving Neptune is your ruler, so your natural qualities will be enhanced for several years; yes, this month’s horoscope lasts for several years. Right now, focus on building your inner strength; though some of your actions thus far might have caused difficulties, it is still possible for your inner strength to get much bigger. Like, Double D bigger. -
Fucking hilarious
-
Fitness Magazine has it right: Of course we wanna look good, but we want you to do all the work while we are left unscathed. Deal? Deal.
Word,
Biggie & Shorty
-
Sunday in the Park with Boobs
Hello fellow boobs, their owners and admirers,
In the spirit of Spring and our desire to be out in the open air as much as possible due to the warm sunshine, we just thought we’d share Jamie Peck of thegloss.com’s delightful recount of her day in the park with her tits out.
As tits, we are at the forefront of tit opinion, and we think this was a fantastic social experiment. Not only that, but we find it more than a little ridiculous that we must always be strapped in and tucked away from enjoying the beautiful scenery and the breeze on our skin. What’s the big deal? What’s a little nip slip? Why not nip on purpose?Anyway, remember, it’s not illegal to walk around in NYC with your boobs a-shakin’—it’s only frowned upon (for some reason). So let’s turn those frowns upside down, starting with ours. Let us breathe in the fresh air and don’t forget sunscreen!
Boobloose & Fancy-free,
Biggie & Shorty -
A Letter to TheFrisky.com
Dear TheFrisky.com,
Hi there, we’re Biggie & Shorty (aka Jessie’s Jugs). We stumbled upon your “10 Things Women Do With Their Boobs That Drive Men Crazy” article and, since we are boobs, we thought you may be interested in hearing our thoughts. As a side note, the article might be more appropriately titled, “10 Things Men Wish Women Would Do With Their Boobs,” but besides that, here are our responses to each of the 10 (pretty ridiculous) things on your list, from boobs’ perspective:
1. Jump on the bed
We fucking HATE that. Put your brain in a snow globe, shake it, then punch yourself in the face and you’ll understand how we feel. But sure, glad you’re enjoying watching us have seizures.
2. Press them up against the glass
Please don’t, it’s suffocating.
3. Put lipstick on with your cleavage
Oh fuck off, someone with the ability to do that is probably as rare as someone who can tie a cherry stem in a knot with their tongue. Besides, we’re both A cups, Jess would look like a fucking idiot if she tried to mash lipstick between us and aim it anywhere.
4. Dress ‘em up
Personally, we think we look better in the nude, but we like to dress up too. Keep the material soft though; lace kind of feels like sand paper. Thin and nearly translucent material is preferred, we wanna be able to see what’s going on!
5. Cup Dip
That’s a pretty standard move (wouldn’t even consider it a “move,” really), and by all means go ahead…but we’re not sure why you called it “Cup Dip.” Upon reading the title, we thought we were going to be dipped into something, but no…that was confusing. Maybe we’ve misunderstood?
6. Twirl Tassels
Just…no. What are we? Circus monkeys? Get the fuck out of here.
7. Make them the finish line
Though we don’t really love being hosed in the face, it seems like the rest of the body enjoys it, so we don’t mind taking one for the team every once in a while…but don’t be a douchebag about it, clean us off when you’re done.
8. Shimmy
The shimmy makes us dizzy, like several of these ridiculous things you’re suggesting. Good thing Jess never learned how to do the shimmy anyway, saves us a lot of headaches. She does try sometimes…it’s really sad.
9. Nature’s Pockets
We can handle a cute little note in there for a short period of time, but please keep your money in your wallet. Do you know how much shit, like actual feces, is on money? Get it out of our faces, please.
10. Wet T-Shirt
Sure, let’s scrap the idea of umbrellas, raincoats and all those other things that are meant to keep us dry, simply for your amusement. The shirt is already in our face all damn day anyway, the last thing we need is for it to be suctioned to us with water. How come guys don’t have to balance out the situation with wet boxer-brief contests? Oh right…shrinkage. Still, veto.
Hope you enjoyed hearing these things from a boob’s perspective, it definitely felt good to let it out.
Sincerely,
Biggie & Shorty
(Jessie’s Jugs)
